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If you’ve ever lay awake at night worrying whether you were being rude when your soul left your body when your child rolled over 45 minutes after bedtime and asked you his 27th quick question in a row (“Why is pee hot?” quickly followed by No. 28: “When are you going to die? No, how many years exactly?”).
If you’ve been tossing and turning in the wee hours wondering if you’ve remembered to set an alarm for 4 a.m. to fight every other parent in town for a coveted swim lesson spot (like The Hunger Gamesbut perhaps more violent).
And if you’ve had your face smashed into your pillow and tortured yourself over whether your child formed a core memory of that time they fell off the jungle gym while you were watching rollers Dancing with the stars on your phone (he was fine…right? Should we google “delayed signs of internal bleeding” just to be sure?).
You are not the only one who worries that you have caused them irreparable harm. You’re not even unique. You’re just a modern parent.
Last weekend, in response to recent CBC News stories about the stresses of modern parenthood, Cross-country control asked parents to describe the issues that cause the most stress in their families. The radio program heard from parents from across Canada who described generational differences in parenting styles, the division of labor and isolation – to name a few.
Cross-country control1:52:16What parenting problem causes the most stress in your family?
For many of us, the most important role we will ever have is as “parent.” It is also one of the most challenging. So it’s no surprise that the U.S. Surgeon General recently issued a warning about the potential toll parenting has on mental health. What parenting problem causes the most stress in your family? How does the way you were raised influence the way you parent today?
“I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s, and she, she was the late ’90s to 2000, and just through that gap you start to see how differently they approach things,” Albert Jame said of the disagreements. he talks to his wife about parenthood.
“Growing up, I honestly don’t know if I ever saw a car seat in my house,” says Jame, who lives in Saskatoon and has a three-year-old and another baby on the way.
While some parents on the program spoke about broader issues, such as the pressure to break generational cycles and teach children to regulate their emotions, others were more specific about what was causing them the most stress.
“How to Deal with Picky Eaters,” says Melanie Reaveley of Cowichan Valley, BC, explaining that by the time she and her partner had their second child, they no longer had the energy for food fights and gave in. “He’s almost 17 now and guess what? Still a picky eater. We’re still concerned about this parenting issue.
A new British study suggests that genetics are largely responsible for individual differences in picky eating at all ages – and that parenting is not to blame. Canada Tonight’s medical contributor Dr. Samir Gupta, explains the findings.
Parenting has really changed
The recognition that having children is becoming increasingly expensive, time-consuming and stressful was reflected in a recent publication public health advice issued by the US Surgeon General.
In August, Dr. warned Vivek Murthy on the impact of modern stresses on parental mental health, saying that today’s parents face unique challenges such as the rising cost of living, social media and the youth mental health crisis.
Moreover, some experts have claimed so Parenting has become more intense. Data shows that parents are spending money today more time with their children than in previous generations (even though more women work full-time) and that the predominant modern parenting style focuses on acknowledging a child’s feelings – which has left many parents feeling burned out.
“We’ve changed our perspective on parenting,” says Alyson Schafer, a family counselor in Kingston, Ontario, parenting expert and author of I don’t miss me, Baby, I destroyed the kids And Breaking the Good Mom Myth.
It may be hard to believe, Schafer further said Cross-country controlbut a hundred years ago we didn’t even think parenting mattered. There is a widespread cultural idea today that parents should strive to keep their children happy at all times, which is very different from previous generations, other experts have noted.
For example, there were few parenting manuals before the 1970s, when they proliferated, according to the New York Times.
‘Parenting’ itself was not even commonly used as a verb until then, author Andrew Bomback said in his book Long days, short years: A cultural history of modern parenting. That’s when parenthood transformed “from someone to be to something to do,” he wrote.
Currently, “we’re really living in a very anxious time,” Schafer said. “We think our children are very vulnerable, and we are told to worry about everything – about every bit of feeding, about the car seat actually having to be at a certain angle,” she said.
“The level of specificity, the number of things parents have to pay attention to, has become overly high.”
Where is the so-called village?
Genevieve Gee of Vaughan, Ont., said she tries not to stress while raising her four children, knowing the tough moments won’t last forever. But she also recognized that this wouldn’t be possible if she hadn’t chosen to live in a community where she knew she would have support.
“I think that’s something that a lot of families miss. My parents live just around the corner, I have a great network of friends… we have a great community center within walking distance of our house, we’re in a public transit line, Gee said.
“But that’s what it takes… and if we didn’t have that, I don’t know if we would have made the choices we did to have a big family.”
Most parents today feel increasingly isolated and lonely, the paper noted The US Surgeon General’s Reportquote 2021 study in which about 65 percent of parents and guardians experienced loneliness, compared to 55 percent of non-parents.
Yet 2023 research on hunter-gatherer societies published in the journal shows Developmental psychologychildren may be psychologically suited to thrive with a high level of contact and care from multiple people – the so-called ‘village’ it takes to raise a child.
Lead author Nikhil Chaudhary, an evolutionary anthropologist at the University of Cambridge in England, pointed out one press release last year that “for the vast majority of our species’ evolutionary history, mothers probably enjoyed far more support than they currently have in Western countries.”
“Children may be evolutionarily primed to expect exceptionally high levels of physical contact and care, quick soothing responses to their crying, and personalized attention from a variety of caregivers beyond their biological parents,” the authors wrote in the research paper.
A public health advisory says today’s parents face unique challenges that can impact their mental health. Some parents of older generations say raising children has always been and always will be a struggle. Can we really say which generation has had it the worst?
Division of labor
But as Winnipeg mom Jocelyn Lalond noted, the bulk of parenting and managing a household is still expected to fall to one person, and that’s usually the mother.
“If we operate from that standard, we’re just on a fast track toward burnout,” she said.
While fathers can take on more household responsibilities now than in the past, researchers have noted that these responsibilities often take on a predictable pattern fathers spend more time with their childrenwhile mothers do a larger share of the cleaning and planning.
Women still continually taking on a greater share of unpaid household workincluding chores and childcare, according to a 2022 Statistics Canada report.
Lalond said many women work full-time outside the home but are still responsible for communicating with the schools, knowing what sizes their children wear, maintaining relationships with other parents in the area and researching everything from car seats and the best diaper brands to bedtime routines – all that invisible work you might not otherwise see.
With her first child, she took care of most of that delivery, until something had to give. The catalyst for change? “Twins,” Lalond said, laughing. “Three kids under three, and it was impossible, this can’t continue the way it’s going or I’m going to crash and burn.”
