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Imagine finally going to bed, only to be jolted awake by a bedquake caused by your partner's restless leg. Or maybe you just pulled the covers tight around you when you pull them away.
From loud snoring to extreme body heat, these common nighttime nuisances have led some couples to try sleeping separately. This is also called 'sleep separation'. It's a trend that allows couples to wake up refreshed and still have a relationship, even if it comes from different beds or rooms.
“Sleep separation refers to when two people in an intimate relationship decide to have a sleeping arrangement that does not involve sharing the same bed. They may be in the same room, but technically they're just not in the same bed,” explains Dr. Saunia Ahmad, a clinical psychologist and director of the Toronto Psychology Clinic.
“The term divorce obviously has a negative connotation, but it really doesn't have to be a negative decision.
“Basically, couples will decide to have a sleeping arrangement where they sleep in separate rooms to improve their sleep and improve their relationship.”
Ahmad said she prefers to use the term “co-regulating” your sleep because it can be a positive way to deal with the fact that two people have different sleep patterns when it comes to sleep.
So if you and your partner have been sleeping in separate beds (or talking about it) for better napping, Ahmad says not to worry; it's completely normal and can even improve the quality of your relationship.
'He was an acrobat in his sleep'
This is exactly what Dana Infald, 41, and her husband decided to do a few years ago.
After countless nights of disturbed sleep due to his tossing, turning and snoring, they realized it was time for a change. So they embraced the idea of sleeping separately to finally get the rest they both needed.
“It was like he was an acrobat in his sleep, and over time it got worse. We both realized we couldn't sleep because he would wake me up and I would wake him up,” Infald told Global News.
Infald, who lives in Toronto, says a “sleep divorce” has been the perfect solution for her and her husband.
The only tricky part? Friends and family talk about their unconventional arrangement.
“If you were to tell a stranger, or post our scenario online to a mommy group or something, I'm sure people would assume something is wrong…but they don't know the whole story,” she said.
“But why torture yourself to make other people happy? You have to make yourself happy and not care about what others think. You know you have a happy marriage.”
Infald is far from alone when it comes to her unconventional sleeping arrangement.
A 2023 online survey of 2,005 adults in the United States, conducted by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, found that more than a third of respondents occasionally or regularly sleep in a separate room to better accommodate their partner.
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Ahmad believes that not only are more couples starting to normalize this practice, but it has long been the norm in some cultures. In countries like India, for example, it is not unusual for couples to sleep in separate beds, she said.
“I think it's a cultural thing. It's not uncommon. I think what's happening today is that more and more people are open to talking about it. And people have more on their plates and realize they have to take care of their sleep too,” she said.
The importance of a good night's sleep
In 2020, 18 percent of Canadian adults aged 18 to 64 and 15 percent of adults aged 65 and older slept less than recommended (seven to nine hours). according to Statistics Canada.
Poor sleep is linked to an increase in health problems, including mortality, compromised immune function, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, mental and cognitive disorders, and accidents and injuries. Center for Addictions and Mental Health reports.
And being in a relationship can make arguments worse, explains Laura Devlin, a registered clinical psychologist and co-owner of Beachers Therapy Group in Toronto.
“If you don't get the rest you need, it affects your emotional regulation,” she told Global News. “You may notice that you become more irritable, experience cognitive fog, and generally think less clearly.
“Disrupting each other's sleep will only increase the tension in the relationship.”
Trying to stay in bed together for the sake of your relationship can only backfire, she added, if you don't take care of your own physical needs first.
A 2017 study published in Psychoneuroendocrinology found that people who slept less behaved more negatively and emotionally when their partners also slept less.
This is because sleep problems can stimulate inflammation and compromise emotional regulation, which can be even more pronounced in couples, the authors claim.
“When people don't sleep well, their attention span is affected and their mood is affected. They don't present themselves at their best for their relationship or their work,” Ahmad said. “So it has a strengthening effect.
“It's not just about the number of hours of sleep we need, but also about the quality of sleep.”
If you're hoping to get the ball rolling on separate beds with your partner for the sake of your sleep, Devlin emphasized the importance of communication.
“Communication is the most important foundation for a healthy relationship,” she said. “If you're thinking primarily about intimate relationships, you also want to think about your partner's attachment needs. So attachment theory is a basis for how we understand ourselves as connected relationships.”
For some, sleeping apart can increase their sense of security in the relationship. However, for others – especially those who struggle with insecurity – it can evoke feelings of rejection or abandonment.
If you want to bring up the topic and feel like it's sensitive, create space for an open discussion about how both partners are feeling, Devlin explained.
It's also important to explore other ways to create connection and reassurance, she says, such as sharing a bedtime routine, reading together or even opting for twin beds in the same room.
“It doesn't just solve the sleep problem. It's also about how you make everyone feel emotionally good about it,” Devlin said.
Make sure you spend quality time together
For Infald, communication was crucial when she and her husband decided to sleep in separate rooms. Another important step was making sure they still made time for intimacy and meaningful bonding.
“Before we go to bed, we stay on the same couch and play Mario Kart or watch something we both like. Sometimes we go out, or we go out to dinner,” she said.
“As long as you have that time before the evening, you really don't feel like you're missing anything.
“You have the cuddles, you have that time to be together, and then you just don't sleep next to each other, that's all.”
Of course, sleeping apart may not be for everyone, Ahmad said.
In some cases, sleeping apart can improve the quality of a relationship, she said. In other cases, however, it may indicate deeper, unresolved issues that the couple has yet to address.
“And there's always the concern that the new sleep arrangement will affect intimacy. Because people naturally have more intimacy when they sleep together in the same bed,” she said.
If this is a problem, Ahmad suggested trying separate beds during the week and co-sleeping on weekends, reserving that time for intimacy.
Infald, who is pregnant and expecting a baby girl in the spring, explained that because she and her husband have been committed to nurturing the romantic side of their relationship, intimacy and connection have never been an issue for them.
“It doesn't affect the intimacy. “If I can get pregnant at 40 and have my first child, it definitely works,” she said.
Katie Dangerfield
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