We asked women why they don't have as many children. It turns out to be complicated

Lately you may hear more people talking about why people don't have enough children. From economists to politicians and entrepreneurs, it has become a more pressing issue for people around the world.

According to Statistics Canada, 1.26 children were born per woman in Canada in 2023. Along with South Korea, Spain, Italy and Japan, Canada falls into a group of countries with the “lowest low” birth rates – all less than 1.3 children per woman. By comparison, the figure in the United States in 2023 was 1.62.

Is this a problem? Canadians are divided. According to one Angus Reid PollIt is equally likely that Canadians will see that the low birth rate is and is not a crisis.

The same poll shows that half of those wanting to have children have delayed longer than they wanted; financial security and waiting for the right partner are among the top reasons for waiting. However, affordability and accessibility to finding childcare and housing were mentioned by almost a third of respondents.

I couldn't imagine how other parents with more children would survive.-Sheena Valdez

Of those who have decided not to have children, two-thirds say they simply don't want them.

But polls and data can't always capture the complexity of individual decision-making. To help put the falling birth rates beyond the numbers, CBC spoke to several women about what went into their choices.

Ladies without little ones

If you've ever been at a party surrounded by parents and felt like an outsider, you're not alone.

Andrea Williams runs Ladies Without Little Ones, a social group on Facebook dedicated to connecting childfree women.

She said parenthood is an opportunity to meet new people and make adult friendships – something people without children can miss.

“This group is almost like the way a dating app would work: you're introduced to people you wouldn't normally be introduced to and hopefully you make a connection from there,” Williams said.

Although there was a time when Williams wanted children, 15 child-free years later she has no regrets.

In her late 20s, it suddenly seemed like half of her friends were settling down and having children. Her then partner challenged her if this was the right choice for them. This began a two-year period of going back and forth on the idea.

“And at first it was unfathomable not to have children. But the more I thought about it, I couldn't really think of any reason why I wanted them other than I thought that was what I had to do.

“There was a lot of pressure, and that need had to match what everyone else was doing.”

Williams was also dealing with undiagnosed medical conditions at the time that caused her extreme fatigue.

“When I thought about the energy and effort it would take to be a parent, I didn't really think I had it in me.”

Today, Williams is the healthiest she has ever been mentally and physically. She didn't think she would have gotten this far if she also took care of the little ones.

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Why don't people have as many children? It's complicated

Canada's birth rate is among the lowest. Why don't people have as many children? CBC sat down with three women to talk about their decision.

It wasn't easy to tell people the news. Williams said being childfree by choice and expressing it was not common.

“A lot of people thought it was selfish and told me it was selfish,” Williams said.

“And at first it felt like an insult. But when I rephrased it a little bit, I thought, you know what? This is selfish, but not the way they think it is. I'm determined to heal and save myself give me what I need.” And if that's selfish, that's okay.”

Williams said today she's starting to see those norms being disrupted.

“We're kind of waking up to how hard it is to be a parent. It's very hard, it's time-consuming, it's very expensive and the energy it takes to become a parent is a lot. And I think people are becoming more conscious to go.” with their choices.”

“If you're not 100 percent sure… it doesn't seem like something to throw around. It's just too important.”

Williams says she is a great aunt and she really enjoys that role.

Other than not being as current on children's TV shows or the latest toy trends, there aren't many downsides to her choice.

“I may dabble in parenting a little here and there. But ultimately, choosing not to have children was the best choice I ever made.”

One and done

Declining birth rates are caused not only by people choosing not to have children, but also by having fewer. More and more people choose to be 'one-and-done'.

Sheena Valdez had her son when she was 28 in the Philippines. Valdez has polycystic ovarian syndrome, which put pressure on her to have a child right away.

She said she was open to a second one, but when the family made the decision to migrate to Canada, their priorities changed.

“It's very hard to keep track of things, everything is expensive now, especially when we came here to Canada.

“We really started all over again… life isn't easy to begin with.”

The family originally settled in New Brunswick, but moved to St. Albert, Alta., a few months ago. Valdez has not yet been able to find a job in her industry.

“The job market is tough right now. It's very tough, competitive and I can't imagine how other parents with more children survive.”

In the Philippines it is easier to pay for a babysitter. Valdez said that while childcare here in Canada is subsidized, it is still expensive.

She said she and her husband ultimately decided they were happy as a family of three — where they could focus on their son.

While finances played a role, it also came down to her own well-being. Looking back, she thinks she had postpartum depression.

“Even if you do your research beforehand… when the baby came, I was like, 'Oh my God, what am I going to do?' – it would really affect your mental health.

“I honestly couldn't imagine raising another human being from my baby.”

But with only one, Valdez said she is looking forward to the next chapter and traveling with her husband.

“In a few years my son will move out and it will be just me and my husband. So we're going to enjoy my freedom.”

Valdez said it's harder to be a parent these days, partly because of changes in parenting styles. Growing up, she got tough love. She is gentler with her son, but that doesn't always feel natural.

“I guess I'm not really gentle,” she said with a laugh, adding that it seems to come more naturally to her husband.

“I think it's harder to be a gentle parent than a tough parent because you keep your emotions in check.”

In addition to parenting style, Valdez explains that Philippine culture also places an emphasis on large families, which can lead to pressure.

“There is pressure on me. But then I always tell my mother, especially my mother, that I'm fine with my son, we are happy.”

She even made a point of asking her son if he wished he had a brother or sister – he said thanks, but no thanks.

'He doesn't want to have any brothers or sisters because he has cousins. And I think he realized how much effort it takes to have another little kid around.

“It's reassuring to hear from my son that he is happy, even though he is an only child.”

On the fence

While Alyssa Goguen's friends were dating and growing up in their early 20s, she was spending $60 a week on baby food.

Goguen is 23 and has a three-year-old son. Although her first child was not planned, she is now unsure about having a second one.

While her boyfriend remained in the picture and is a great father, Goguen said she felt like she was missing a community.

“It was really hard to navigate all by myself because I'm so young.”

Goguen's parents had her when they were 20 and now have a separate relationship with their own young children.

“I'm at about the same stage of life as my parents right now. So they don't have that grandparent relationship with my kids because they have their own kids to worry about.”

The dilemma for her is that she wants to give her son a brother or sister – and doesn't want to make the age difference too big, but also isn't sure if she can handle another.

'I should have a child for myself, not for my son… it's just a strange situation.

“If I had another child, I don't know where I would put all the toys. It would be a disaster area here. I would have to buy a bigger house – but I can't do that because I don't have any money.”

Goguen said having a parent stay at home is simply out of reach for most people right now. And because both parents work, cook and clean, parenting is an all-encompassing activity.

“It's too much for one family to do everything at once.”

It might be more manageable, she said, if there weren't a lack of support and the realities of modern life — which can be major obstacles to having a larger family.

'No one really talks to each other anymore – like the neighbors and stuff… everyone is further away now.

“So I feel like if you have more kids, you just have to do it yourself.”

Goguen said she doesn't think governments can do anything to encourage people to have more children. What is needed instead is social change.

“With social media and all that, we're just not as close and connected anymore. We don't go out as much anymore and we're not a big community.”

Besides being isolating, she says social media can also simply be a platform for judgment.

'I think that sometimes makes you feel bad about yourself.

“There's all this different parenting advice out there, and then you don't really know where to start or where to go or what's right or wrong. And so people are constantly judging each other. And I think that's a problem.”

Goguen said she sees in her environment that people are less interested in children because they have more opportunities to explore other things.

“I think a lot of women are now realizing, 'I'm not just here to make babies.'

“They want to have more ideas and do things for themselves. And if that means not having children, that means not having children.”