The night before her daughter’s first birthday, Anya (not her real name) felt a wave of emotions wash over her.
“I enjoyed being a parent, and then… I felt a terrible sadness. It was like her first birthday came true… [that] this is forever,” she told The Feed, recalling when she was 25.
“I was living alone and taking care of a baby, which is incredibly lonely and isolating when those late-night scream-fests are happening… and you’re the only one there.”
Single since her pregnancy, Anya couldn’t imagine the impact her daughter would have on her life – especially when her daughter began experiencing depression, which she often expressed in anger.
Eventually, Anya stopped working to care for her, and soon found herself in debt, socially isolated and struggling with her own mental health issues.
“I love my daughter, I think she is a wonderful person. She has brought a lot of meaning and joy to my life, but it was also the dumbest decision I have ever made,” she said.
“I shouldn’t have done it.”
Part of Anya’s regret about becoming a parent is about the loss of freedom and opportunity – made even more difficult by raising a child alone.
“[Without my daughter]I would have been better off financially. It would have been much easier for me to buy a house. I wouldn’t have so much debt. I could have traveled.
“Maybe I’ve had other relationships that weren’t available to me.”
‘My life torn apart’
After Chris (not his real name) fathered a child during the COVID-19 lockdowns, his world came crashing down.
His partner lost her job as a personal trainer, so he took on the full-time role of breadwinner, and the couple both fell into post-natal depression.
Their child, now three, has autism.
Experts say parents feel societal pressure to be “the perfect parent,” which can lead to burnout and feelings of regret. Source: Getty / skynesher
“I had an absolutely burned-out partner who couldn’t do anything, and then I had to come home, cook dinner, clean, everything,” he said.
Chris said parenthood took an insurmountable toll on the couple and sapped any joy in their relationship. They stopped having sex and stopped doing activities they enjoyed together, such as attending pop culture festivals and cosplaying.
After years of arguing and therapy, they separated.
“The day after my wife left, she took him with her [my child]. It broke my heart…it tore my life apart,” Chris said.
“Being away from him is actually the worst part of it all… he’s my blood, he’s a part of me.”
The ‘unspeakable’ thing
A Reddit forum called “regretfulparents,” where parents openly share their feelings about parental regret, has grown from 400 members in 2019 to about 141,000 users today.
TikTok creator Kelley Daring has also raised awareness about the topic by sharing anonymous stories about people’s parental regrets, which have garnered hundreds of thousands of views.
While data on parental regret in Australia is limited, a 2021 peer-reviewed study published by the Center for Research on Personality Development at SWPS University in Poland found that up to 13 percent of Polish parents in the emerging age group and middle adulthood regretted parenthood.
Another 2021 report from data research firm YouGov surveyed 1,249 British parents and found that one in 12 regretted becoming parents.
Dr. Imogene Smith, a clinical psychologist and researcher at the Cairnmillar Institute, which offers counseling and mental health services, While there aren’t many taboo topics in 2024, parental regret remains an “unspeakable” thing for many.
“It’s something that makes people feel good about joking about… [but] when it becomes a serious conversation, it is difficult for most people not only to talk about, but to hear and to listen to.”
What Causes Parental Regret?
In most cases, parental regret is not about the child, but about the experience of parenting, Smith said.
Societal pressure to be “the perfect parent” can lead to exhaustion, burnout, feeling trapped and negative self-image and ultimately regret, she added.
A difficult financial situation and single parenthood can make matters worse.
“Parent regret is related to difficulties in living out and identifying the ideals of parenthood.”
She said the pressure to be a ‘kangaroo parent’ (maximum skin contact with your child), not to be a ‘helicopter parent’ (over-involved) and conflicting advice left people questioning themselves.
‘Now more than ever, people feel like they need to be good parents, and dads – probably for the first time – feel like they need to be very connected and attached.
“I think messaging is part of the problem for people. They say, ‘Tell me how to do this. Where’s the book?’
“There are a lot of people crying out for help.”
The curse of today’s parent
Smith said most women today have to work full-time after having a child, which essentially means working two full-time jobs.
“The role of a mother has historically been, for better or worse, in the home. So there was a very clear definition and there were very clear expectations around it.
Parental regret is directly linked to poor mental health, and those who suffer from it are encouraged to speak out. Source: Getty / Trevor Williams
“I think women are still trying to redefine what it’s like to be a mother and to be someone who works or studies… [who] has its own life.”
Sydney-based psychologist Sian Khuman agrees, saying parents can struggle to balance parenting and their careers, leaving them feeling inadequate.
“There’s a constant feeling that you’re not doing a 100 percent good job in either area. And that can lead to feelings of guilt… and that’s a very difficult thing to deal with.”
Some people don’t enjoy parenting as much as other people, and that’s okay.
People who experience feelings of parental remorse are encouraged to seek help.
“Parental regret is nothing to be ashamed of,” says Khuman, who adds that she sees more parents dealing with parental issues than in the past.
“More people are coming in and expressing burnout and its impact [parenting] has on itself – and also on [on] the parental relationship or the couple relationship,” she said.
How to help someone with parental regret
Friends should also listen without judgment if they can, Smith added.
“Avoid shock and outrage. Just stay calm, be curious, and listen to their experiences because I don’t think they get a chance to talk about them in a genuine way very often.
“If you don’t think you can hold that space for them, encourage them to talk to a professional who can.”
Khuman advised people to avoid societal pressures that might force them to have children before they are ready.
“If you’re not sure you want a child, talk to someone about it.”
Living with shame
The relationship between Anya, now 44, and her daughter, now 18, has improved.
But Anya still experiences parental regret.
Her daughter continues to rely on her and cannot afford to move due to the cost of living.
“It feels like it will go on forever – that she will continue to depend on me when I thought I would get my life back.”
Nevertheless, Anya now understands that her feelings around her daughter were not abnormal or ‘shameful’; that feelings for children can be complex.
“The road [her psychologist] it went like this: ‘You can absolutely love your child more than anyone in the world and do anything for him or her – and hate him at the same time.’
“It feels like a relief to be able to say that.”
Readers seeking crisis support can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 and Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (for under 25s).
More mental health information and support is available at beyondblue.org.au and on 1300 22 4636.
Embrace Multicultural Mental Health supports people from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds.
Advice line for family relationships:
1800 050 321, Monday – Friday, 8am – 8pm; Saturday (except national holidays), 10am – 4pm.
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