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If you ever:
- Your bladder pushed over the limit because you sat down and got stuck on the couch under a finally sleeping, otherwise screaming, colicky baby and you’re afraid to move, so now that you live here, you lie on the couch.
- Looked out the window and shouted at the deranged troll-like witch lurking in the bushes, looking at you with dead eyes, only to realize that this was your own reflection; you’re the witch, and when was the last time you showered?
- Googled, in the following order: “coffee breast milk baby,” “espresso breast milk baby,” “Red Bull breast milk baby,” “night nanny,” “night babysitting fees,” “lucrative second jobs,” and “is essential oil a pyramid scheme?”
Then maybe you’ve recently raised little people. And you probably also relate to the “17 diapers” trend is currently circulating on social media, where new parents share the problems of their daily reality.
“Let’s clean up all the dirty diapers I have in the house right now,” a TikTok user named Hannah said in one video she posted earlier this month that has already been viewed 6.8 million times.
The mother of two wanders around the house with a garbage bag in hand, finding seventeen wadded-up diapers along the way, scattered among an array of children’s drawings, baby wipes, inside-out children’s clothes and water bottles. Her husband, she later explains, was traveling pre-planned hunt trip, and in another video she says she sympathizes with single parents (those researchers have found have a higher percentage of psychological problems).
“No wonder my house stinks right now,” Hannah says after picking up the seventeenth diaper from her bedroom floor and holding up the trash bag.
The video went viraland the reactions – just like on the internet – were extreme, ranging from disgust and shame to support and praise. Some early commenters on the original post called it “nasty” and said there is “no excuse” for not throwing away diapers all day.
But a fairly large army of parents defended her and pointed out that she was five days after deliveryand praising her for sharing the struggle. Some have even posted their own “17 diapers” moments in response. As of Friday, there were nearly 18,000 videos on TikTok using the #17diapers hashtag.
“That’s 17 times your sweet babies were given priority over your home. That’s 17 times your sweet babies were cleaned and felt comfort and love. Being a mom is hard,” one commenter wrote on the original video.
“I don’t have 17 diapers, but I cry alone in my car so my mom and my husband can’t see me,” she said. TikTok user Hillary Wichlin in a video of her carrying her 10-week-old baby, adding that she also forgets to take out her contact lenses every night due to exhaustion.
“I may not have 17 diapers on my floor today, but I woke up looking like this,” wrote Rachel Muse in the description of a video about postpartum hair loss, in which she points to her wispy hair.
In one follow up video this weekAs she wiped tears from her eyes and cuddled her newborn, Hannah wrote that scrolling through everyone’s “17 diapers” videos at 1 a.m. made her feel less alone.
Shame is ‘ubiquitous’
In an interview with People magazineHannah (who did not give her last name) said most of the feedback she initially received was negative and judgmental.
“Yes, there were 17 diapers in my house, but they didn’t see me coloring with my son while at the same time breastfeeding my newborn. They didn’t see me taking my son to the park and putting him on the swing while holding my newborn baby,” she told the magazine.
That online culture of comparison and shaming was recently highlighted in a public health advice issued by the US Surgeon General on the stresses of modern parenthood. In his advice, Vivek Murthy said influencers and online trends can create unrealistic expectations for parents to compare and aspire to.
A new advisory from the U.S. surgeon general warns that parenting can have a drastic impact on mental and physical health, citing extreme stress due to financial strain, time demands and societal pressures.
And shame, Murthy added, has become “ubiquitous.”
Studies have shown that comparing your own parenting to what you see on social networking sites has higher rates maternal depressionhigher cortisol levels and increased jealousy and fear specifically in mothers. Another one 2023 study of 2,000 American mothers found that those who used social media were four times more likely to feel like a bad parent than those who didn’t.
But the 17 Diapers video also shows how social media can be a powerful tool for connection and validation, which is an antidote to shame, says Angela Low, adjunct professor of social and emotional development at the University of British Columbia’s faculty of education.
And this is “hopeful, as it’s usually the opposite – where seeing other families’ ‘perfect’ lives, or so much advice about parenting, usually fuels feelings of not being good enough or failure,” Low, who conducts research shame about parenthoodtold CBC News.
By sharing her story, Hannah is helping other parents build their own shame resilience, Low said.
‘We’ve all had a 17-diaper moment’
That’s why, as so many have noted, the honesty of the 17-diaper trend is so damn refreshing (if not, exactly, fresh).
“This trend is for moms to be vulnerable and show what postpartum can really look like,” wrote TikTok user Jessica Haizman next to a video where she says her 17-diaper moment contracted COVID-19 postpartum and wet her pants every time she threw up because she had no bladder control.
“I signed up for the gym so I had a place to take my baby and took a nap in the locker room,” another mom admitted in the comments.
“I don’t have seventeen diapers, but I do look at pictures [and] videos from the first three months of my son’s life because I can’t even remember,” another mother placed.
“We’ve all had a 17-diaper moment. And if you haven’t, consider yourself lucky,” I posted another one.
Low, at UBC, noted that the trend reminds parents that it’s hard for everyone, and that you’re not failing: you’re normal.
“And it’s clear from the responses that many parents are hungry for these messages.”
A public health advisory says today’s parents face unique challenges that can impact their mental health. Some parents of older generations say raising children has always been and always will be a struggle. Can we really say which generation has had it the worst?
